Life seems to be unfair

Or is it?
Many couples have been married for several years, being asked by their parents on when their offspring would come, no signs of pregnancy come out. On the other hand, there are some “unwanted pregnancy”. Just one single effort and … the baby comes into being.

Is it that simple, I mean the word “unfair”. Who are we to judge. There must be a justification on why this happens. I am not fond of looking deep down inside my head and finding out why or how.

There must be good answers on why I don’t have babies from you but from her instead. Why I am with you but not with others. Why I am here but not there. It is a destiny, people said.

Word “destiny” is a big question for me. Are we that weak? Do we really need those divine lines? I prefer looking my life as billiard balls: Take one cue shot, hit ball no 1, it then hits no 3, no 3 touches no 9, bla bla bla. I can also shoot ball no 4, then it will hit no 11 or maybe miss at all. (No..no..no… don’t ask me who helped me aiming)

Me just try to hit maself a good shot and see what happen next.

Whoa… Friendster!

Unlike people my age, I am not really a computer literate or even internet surfer. Computer, for me, functions as its name: computing (well, only adding, multiplying, dividing, and subtracting, though). Internet is for emailing and surfing “nice” pics (I can not stop this urge to seek tight, sexy body along with their beautiful faces).
Yeah.. yeah…. It is not right at all, but what can I say? This is me I am talking about, not you, I am not violating anyone’s interest, or am I?

However, those facts kinda shift a little bit. Thanks to Friendster! I posted my profile, invited some good friends (and those nice looking female from the internet) and .. voila..! There comes my-long-lost friends from out there! I can not really describe how good it feels (remember my limitation??). Just trust me, it feels really great when somebody from out there said hello to you, saying that they WERE indeed YOUR FRIEND.

How can I be so ignorant to them? They were my friends out there, hundreds of them. Waiting to be called, to be reminded about those merry auld days in junior high or even younger years. Thanks friendster, I will meet you again tomorrow, on working hours that is :P

VOID

How do you describe a void? Remember, you are describing something that is not there. Thus, how the heck you can explain something that does not even exist? (God? Do I hear God? You… naughty you, God exists, of course there will be no explanation required).

You may be able to describe its “boundaries”, something around the “existence of void” (oh..oh.. my tongue got twisted). But how about the void itself; the empty space, hollow spot, mmh… what else dear?

But maybe we can feel it. Then again, what do we feel? Do we feel the inexistence? Woaaaa……. I give up.

Migrain days

14 February 2005

Yesterday I got stung by migraine, today my head felt as if it is twisted, pressed, cracked etc.etc.
I call it migraine, my doctor said that I should not jumped into that conclusion to easy and ask me to get my head scanned which I haven't done to date, my wife would define this strike as a time to give head massage and pain killer tablet, and my daughters would think that their father just make an excuse to not playing along with them. Is it some kind of cyclical pain for me? A curse from moon, perhaps?

Whatever, think what one can think. I got migraine and it felt terrible. Don't ask me why as even if I know why I would not have a heart to tell you all. Maybe later, maybe never, Que knows.

Good bye.
(Why should we say good bye? I don't like to say good bye. We may be great distance apart but with a slight of luck we could meet again. Nobody can assure anybody else that people would be away from each other forever)
then.. I see you again, moonlight.

How can people be so blind... or deaf?

I miss her so much, I wanna be with her tonight..
+Do you love me, dear?
- Of course I do, why ask that silly question?

You low-life-filthy s.o.b., I know what you have been doing with all that money. Don't tell me crap about hardwork!
+So, how is your job today? Busy doing task from me?
-Yes bos, no problem. Everything is in good track.

Just be careful, don't you even think of turning your bare back!
+Let's hope that our cooperation can be of beneficial for both of our company.
- Indeed, I am very lucky to have you as my partner.

I tried very hard to open my heart and look inside. Still, I am as deaf and blind as everybody else. Should I be a mind reader, know what people think about me and be alert or be afraid all the time? OR should I just be thankful to my dear life that I can be more relax knowing that "nothing" is wrong.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Is this really me? The same person who said that he did not celebrate St Valentine's (birth?) day? Yes, of course. I am the same one, the same person who said that, the same person who greets that.

Why? Is this that kind of two sides of one coin? I don't think so. Just trying to be nice, to be polite (kind of personality that I am getting drifted away from). I don't "celebrate" Valentine's day. Why should I? I don't know what is this that people so crazy about the day. I don't personally know the Saint. So why bother?

I congratulate people who celebrate it, period. So, nobody has any obligation whatsoever to congratulate me reciprocally.

I wish that all people (ones who celebrate it or otherwise) to be happy with somebody they love, or to be more practical, being happy to know that somebody love them so much, despite all the shortcomings. People don't really have to be together to love each other...(err... is that true? Do I believe what I wrote...?)

I just call... to say... I love you...

In my head there lies dark space

When I said dark, I didn’t really mean in negative connotation, I meant dark, like one you find in black color. (but anyway, all people have "dark" sides don't we?)

It is so dark that I can not see a thing inside. Just a dark void, Was it empty? I thought it was but it was not.

This afternoon I found a glint of light, very small yet it is there and felt quite warm. At first I had an expectation that the warmth, however small the source is, would bring me more comfortable feeling. It did not.

The light stayed there, flickering a bit, giving slit of hope. It moved here and there a little. It faded but not died. It still there, at least till the time I wrote this.
(written on 7 February 2005)