a sadist, me?

Someone once called me a sadist. As I tend to "torture" myself, enjoying every bit of it, and suffering at the same time. I will not say that I am not a sadist. Maybe I am. It's just that I don't really intent to torture myself and suffer. Who would do that, anyhow? Anybody wants to feel a bit of happiness, out of ruins, if necessary.

But the world seems to collaborate to make me suffer. I tried to put things behind, go on with my life. The effort was arduous and costed me much; my view toward relationship, my enjoyment to life, my honesty, my innocence, my personality, all were affected. Few years back when I lived in a dreamland, I once "killed" an innocent fish by exposing it to Leonard Cohen songs a whole day. I survived, tired and torn apart, but I survived.
When I thought that I finally made it, came this beautiful piece from the past.

Where is my whip and flog when I really need them....